Like you, I have been intensely reflecting on all that this time of Covid-19 has revealed in our world – the sacrifices, generosities and kindnesses on the one hand – the losses, inequities and injustices on the other hand. I find myself with so much to ponder.
While we all wrestle with our response to the challenges in the wider world, we are also dealing with the very personal realm of navigating day-to-day life at home in the midst of a pandemic.
For those of you spending this time of Covid-19 with a partner, family or housemates, you may find yourselves rubbing each other the wrong way at times. Being together a lot without the usual escapes and social outlets can be wearing.
Sending love in these times,
Shirley
Something to think about
Don’t be afraid to be the one who loves the most.
— Quote by someone happily married for over 60 years.
How to keep your “resentment closet” clean
I’d like to share a very simple strategy for dealing with the daily annoyances and irritations that can accumulate when living in close quarters during uncertain times. My husband and I call it our “I ask forgiveness” strategy – and it’s amazing how often it helps to use it.
My husband came up with this strategy when we travelled internationally (remember those days?!). He and I have differing responses to the inconveniences and surprises that are part of travel — and sometimes it can get very un-fun. If we are both anxious or stressed, my husband gets short-tempered and irritable and very urgent; while I get dithery and indecisive and slowed-down. Not a great combo when we are late for an airplane flight or need to make a quick decision.
What to do?
Although we try not to irritate each other, our best intentions aren’t always enough when stress tips the balance.
So my husband came up with the strategy of asking forgiveness at the end of each day of travel for “any way that I have been ‘scratchy’ with you today”. We like the word ‘scratchy’. It denotes the right degree of harm – not a serious injury however noticeable and unpleasant. Sometimes we acknowledge the moment we ‘scratched’ the other; sometimes there’s no need, as we both know it!
How it works
It sounds formulaic, however actually saying the words — and meaning it — makes all the difference. Sometimes the words don’t come easily; I notice that I want to hang onto my resentment. This gives me a chance to be honest with myself and make a new choice in the moment.
If said sincerely, with a genuine intent to forgive and let go, the words are very healing. The little hurts and irritations of the day are released and voila! we like each other again.
An added bonus: Over time, our awareness of how we were “scratching” each other increased – and the “scratching” decreased! Now we use the forgiveness practice as needed.
When resentments accumulate
For the big stuff
If the resentments are big ones or chronic ones (your partner lies to you or doesn’t keep their agreements or consistently disregards your feelings, etc.) then a simple strategy like this one will not be a solution or address the fundamental issues. A more drastic intervention will be needed.
However for the ‘scratches’ of day-to-day living with another fallible human being, it just might do the job. While there are much bigger issues to be concerned about in our world currently, it is often in the minutiae of our day that these larger anxieties find expression. And this can be tough for the people we live with.
So if things are getting ‘scratchy’ in your household, try this out. Create or change the language so it works for you. Then be willing and loving enough to go first.
Shirley’s Update:
For those of you who are interested:
- I’m really liking a series that is offered free of charge by Tami Simon of Sounds True. It’s called Healing Racism: A 3-Part Series to embrace diversity in our personal lives, our communities and our world. (Click in the upper right hand corner of the photo to find all 3 one hour sessions.) It features Dr. Tiffany Jana, one of the leading educators in diversity, equity and inclusion. I am part-way through the series and am really impressed so far with the level of nuance and loving presence in both the questions posed and the skillful responses of Dr. Jana.
- I also recommend this very comprehensive document of Anti-racism Resources. Such an extensive listing of books, films, articles, organizations, etc. gave me lots of choices about where to start my explorations.
- I also particularly like this article: Performative Allyship is Deadly: Here’s what to do instead