“You block your dream when you allow your fear to grow bigger than your faith.”
— Mary Manin Morrissey
Preventing a repeat of the past
Many single and divorced men and women, who are dating and looking for a new relationship, harbour fears that they will repeat negative patterns from their past relationships. This is a concern which I frequently hear from my single coaching clients. Whether they are twenty-something or sixty-something, most have made some painful choices along the way that they don’t wish to repeat. Can you relate?
While excited about the possibility that a new relationship could be different, many singles are hesitant. Their trust in others may have been rattled and now they distrust their own ability to make a good assessment of prospective partners in the future.
5 ways to set yourself up for success
If you share that concern, here are 5 ways to put in place the self-awareness and support to stay on-track with making good choices. Following these recommendations will help you gain the self-knowledge you require to select a partner who is truly aligned with your values and life goals. The result? A relationship choice that has the potential to succeed!
Enhance your “dating preparedness” with the following actions:
1. Clarify your values and life vision
Make relationship choices that are grounded in your values and your vision of the kind of life you truly desire. While there are many attractive and wonderful people out there in the dating world, not all of them are interested in the kind of life that you are. So while they may be attractive, they may not be a good “fit” for the long haul. The clearer you are about the life YOU desire, the easier it will be to identify the person who is aligned with and supportive of you. And to avoid those who aren’t!
Your vision and goals for your life lie within you. Whether or not you have articulated them, rest assured they are just waiting to be unearthed. Whether you aspire to climb Kilimanjaro, build a home in the country, write a novel or raise money for cancer research, your goals will reflect your deeply held values. Choose a partner based on those dreams and values that you hold dearest. In order to do so, you will need to know what they are.
2. Identify your requirements or “deal-breakers”
We all have “deal-breakers” when it comes to an intimate relationship. They include those things which simply MUST be present if the relationship is to succeed and endure — or those things which we simply cannot tolerate. For some, having children is a requirement or deal-breaker. For others, NO CHILDREN may be the requirement! Your requirements are non-negotiable, black-and-white and essential to you.
If you have ever ended a relationship, chances are it was because one of your requirements was not met – and you simply couldn’t stay. “She drank too much.” “He was irresponsible with money.” “She wasn’t honest with me.” “He wouldn’t accept my friends.” Requirements are very personal and may differ from person to person. Your requirements will be impacted by your history, your values and your life vision.
Knowing your bottom-line requirements will empower you to choose a partner who shares and honours your “musts”. It will help you avoid getting involved with someone with whom an irreconcilable problem is inevitable — and the painful break-up which must follow. Honouring your requirements will give you more back-bone to say “no” to relationships that aren’t good for you, even when they seem exciting.
3. Transform your limiting beliefs
If you aren’t already in a successful relationship, chances are good that you may have some limiting or negative beliefs about yourself, others or relationships. “I’m too fat/ thin/ short/ tall/old to be attractive.” “If a relationship hasn’t happened by now, it probably never will.” “Men always dump me eventually.” “Women are more attracted to the ‘bad boys’.”
Those limiting beliefs (and believe me, they can run deep and be very insidious) can short-circuit even the most active dating life. Unconsciously held beliefs have a way of becoming self-fulfilling prophecies. So you are wise to ferret out and shift those limiting beliefs which may be undermining your success — and replace them with affirming thoughts and a positive expectation of success.
This sounds simpler than it is! I think we all know that such a process requires real self-honesty, intentional work and more than a little humility. This kind of “inner work” may be challenging. Many find it easier to accomplish with some skilled support.
4. Develop your dating and relationship skills
Do you have trouble saying “no” and holding your boundaries? Is it challenging for you to initiate a conversation with someone new? Do you have difficulty disengaging from a relationship if it’s not working for you? Are you able to be yourself on a date? Can you express your needs to another and make requests on your own behalf? Are you able to take the other person’s perspective, in a dispute, while holding your own?
Our relationship skills are always a work in progress – have you noticed? Learning how to dance between our desire for connection and our need for autonomy is a life-long discovery. Many of us have underdeveloped dating and relationship skills – areas that trip us up or perhaps prevent a relationship from ever really getting off the ground. These skills may be critical in initiating relationships, deepening the connection and disengaging from what isn’t healthy for us.
You don’t have to wait until you’re IN a relationship to practice these skills. They can be practiced at work, in our families and with friends. In fact, the more you can develop these skills in advance of a relationship, the likelier it will be for your relationship to succeed.
5. Expand and deepen your community of support
Emotional intimacy comes from a supportive network of friendships — not just from a relationship with a “significant other”. We all need and want the support and caring of a loving community of friends and family. These special individuals help ground us, care for us and cheer us on — and we do the same for them. They let us know that we are accepted and we belong — no matter what.
These important people can also play a key role in helping us get into (or stay out of) a relationship. They introduce us to prospects, give us feedback about our behavior, encourage us when we’re discouraged, give another perspective when needed and champion our best interests. They help us avoid “needy” choices, by sharing emotional closeness and companionship with us. When we cultivate a variety of friendships, we increase our emotional stability — which inevitably helps us put our best and healthiest foot forward in the dating world.
Once we’re in a relationship, we still need the loving support of significant others. As David Steele writes in his book Conscious Dating, “A single relationship, no matter how compatible, cannot meet all of our needs.” Any committed couple who ignores their need for a community of support, does so at the peril of their relationship. Relationships need supportive others to thrive, just as individuals do.
It’s up to you!
Take action to address those fears of “making another mistake”! With some conscious “dating preparedness” you can reduce the risk of making a poor choice – and increase your odds of relationship success.
Invitation to action
Pick one of these areas to focus on in the coming month. What action step could you take this month to strengthen this area of preparedness for yourself? What support or resources will you require? Now go for it!
